How it Was

April 5, 2017 - - 0 Comments

How it was, what happened and how it is today,

“How it was.”

First of all, I would be remiss if I neglected to say that there was a period of time when my using felt as if it completed me. In fact there was a time when I felt totally alone, less than those around me. I was born with Cerebral Palsy and I felt it had robbed me of something that every other human must have possessed, a feeling of being full and complete, and until the age of 12 I never experienced this. My problem seemed to be there, waiting on the alcohol and other drugs to quell the loneliness and the anguish so deep inside me. And without a doubt, it did just that. It gave me a feeling of wholeness that I had never before experienced. It seemed, with no exaggeration, to heal my cerebral palsy. I felt connected to people and to my surroundings in a way that seemed magical. A new world opened up to me.

“What happened?”

These powerful tools, “Alcohol and drugs,” that had made me whole, that offered new life and that appeared to set a new course for my very existence, eventually stopped working. I had developed symptoms worse than what I was attempting to cure. I felt an emptiness so deep in my heart that it seemed nothing could reach. For a time, I would conceal my pain with stronger drugs, drugs that I have since seen take the lives of many of the people I would ultimately “run with”. After trying many ways of stopping, only to increase my using, I found myself lost and alone. The “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous states, “He cannot picture his life without alcohol. Someday he won’t be able to picture it with or without alcohol. Then he will be at the jumping off place. He will wish for the end”

What a poignant description of where I had ended up. No words seemed to describe the self pity and remorse that engaged me with every step. With an ever deepening feeling of hopelessness, I found myself at a treatment center, one that my friend, just before her death from overdose, had told me about.

It was there that I found myself through therapy and discovered the twelve steps of recovery.

 

“How it is today”

It has been many years since that fateful day. Today I am blessed with over 31 years sobriety, a supportive family, a wonderful job and a deep sense of wellness. As the Manager at His House/New Creation Outpatient Program, I look forward to going to work, where I am a Licensed Advanced Alcohol and Drug Counselor, (LAADC-ca, via CCAPP). I have the privilege of assisting those in early recovery, many of whom have shared the same history I have. My recovery, with the support of the 12-steps and a therapeutic setting, gives me a unique perspective into the lives of such individuals. His House and the founder, Glenn Swanson, have given me the opportunity to share the grace that has been freely given to me with countless others. My hope is that you’ll find solace in my words and the hope and support that are needed to begin your journey.

 

 

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